why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
