ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
