rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
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