I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
