dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
