can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
