Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
