At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We are two peas in an std pod
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
