while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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