you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
