Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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