i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
