epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
