So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My vagina is officially offended.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
