We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
