How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
