Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
