meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
