everyone is single if you try hard enough
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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