I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
