just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
