textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
organizing the empties. That sober.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
