and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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