We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Who died my cat blue again?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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