Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
