fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
