I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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