I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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