strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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