can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Non-Jews are for practice
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
