Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
