It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
50% drunk capacity currently
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
