Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
