There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
