I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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