What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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