I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
