thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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