Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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