ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
