3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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