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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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