it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
