i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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