one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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