the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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