Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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