How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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