Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
