There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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