i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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